RIP Baby Girl

Well the day I've been dreading since getting our cats has come. We've had to say goodbye to one of them and it's just as heartbreaking as I thought.

So on Sunday, Larry mentioned she was acting a little sick. I noticed she had been getting pretty skinny the past few months and when that happened to Oscar I made sure to give him lots of extra loves and he seemed to bounce back so I had been doing that with her for a while to see if it could help. She was doing good until this last weekend. We weren't sure what it was, but we did what we could to get her to eat and drink water. We noticed she was pretty thirsty and wanted to drink a lot, but wouldn't eat. Larry and my mom assured me that was good, they NEED water, but can go a couple days without eating so I was feeling positive as long as we got some food in her. By Monday Larry was having to force feed her with a syringe. She had stopped purring and was having accidents. I was feeling pretty sure this was her last week so we just needed to do what we could to make her feel better.

She hardly ever came up to cuddle with me
When I worked, I had to document it.
I'm glad I did

I got really lucky on Tuesday, it was the finale of "This Is Us" so I told Larry my plan was to start it while I was putting Pierce down to bed and I'd finish it downstairs and if he got up I'd just go up and finish it with him. I just knew I wanted to watch it live. Luckily he stayed down once I got him asleep and I was able to watch it downstairs. I made sure to grab Baby Girl and have her come cuddle on me because I knew if this was her time I would be so sad if I didn't get all the cuddles I could get. She was in pretty bad shape, but I had hoped that getting the cuddles would help a little bit.

I'm SO grateful I got these last snuggles!
You can see how different she looks in the face

Wednesday she wasn't any better and my heart was breaking so bad. She was eating and drinking less and less, getting so much skinnier, and having more accidents. I was so hopeful the cuddles would help, but it just wasn't enough. I'm not sure I've cried more in my life. Even though part of me was thinking it's okay if it's her time. We weren't going to make that decision for her and we've had a great life with her and she's had it so cozy and we just needed to do anything we could to make her feel loved and comfortable. Before I put Pierce to bed, I went to give her loves in the front room. I cried and told her what a good girl she is and has been. How much I have loved her and how much I'll miss her when she's gone. I made sure to only focus on the good, but told her if she was ready to go I would be okay with that. I could tell in her eyes she was just about gone, but I saw her make eye contact with me so I felt comforted that she understood my words.

This was taken Wednesday night before we
Put the kids to bed

Thursday morning I got Pierce up and went downstairs to see Larry at his desk. I asked him if she passed and noticed he was crying with her on his lap. He said she hadn't, but she was just about there. I asked how he knew and he told me to just look at her. She didn't look like the baby girl I remember, she looked like a rabid, wild animal and she was just gasping for breath every other minute. I put Pierce down, cried my eyes out and grabbed her to hold her one last time. She gasped a couple times in my arms while I pet her and just loved on her. I eventually had to pass her back to Larry where she took her last breath. I sent a text to my mom about her passing and she called me. I just lost it on the phone. It oddly felt good to just cry the hardest cry I've cried and just say how sad I was. 

One of the last pictures we got of her

We spent the day yesterday just off and on crying talking about our memories with her and what we'll miss and the happy moments we had. Larry dug a good sized hole in our back yard and we said our final good byes. As heart broken as I am I have to mention a silly moment with Gwen. She obviously doesn't know about death and what it really means and she's had the most insensitive comments, but they make me laugh because she doesn't realize how insensitive they are. As we were burying her I said something about how she was such a good kitty and Gwen immediately said "yeah, but now she's a dead kitty!" I have to laugh because if anyone else said it I'd be so angry at them, but she's just so precious you can't be mad haha. I'm thankful for those silly moments we have amidst this hard time. 

I can still feel her sandpaper tongue kisses
I'll miss those SO much

I know she's in a better place and I know she couldn't live forever and I always knew she'd be the first to go. I know we were lucky to have her and she was so loved and she loved us. But I'll always miss how soft she was, how she would purr the second you looked at her (she loved loves!), her sandpaper kisses and how she'd very loudly purr-meow when she had a toy. She was the first to let the girls pet her and she did so well with them. She was a huge cuddler and lap kitty and was so silly when she was in a playful mood. She was the prettiest kitty I've ever had as well.

So to my sweet baby girl. I'll miss you and love you forever. I hope you feel so much better and I'm thankful for the last few days you've given us to say our good byes. Please know there will always be a furry, baby girl shaped hole in our heart.

If I knew then, what I know now

With this being my 4th baby I feel like I'm learning things I wish I had known earlier. For example:

• Babies NEED snuggles and to be held. It's a big comfort thing for them. They spent 9 months being warm, full, and cuddled in your belly. To suddenly feel hunger, feel a dirty diaper, get cold, not be naturally rocked to sleep, it's a very hard transition for them. To expect them to just know how to sleep on their own or just get over it isn't something they know how to do. The fact that I stressed out about it before feels so silly and I wish I had embraced the cuddles more (especially with Cara and Gwen...I don't remember snuggling with them as much).
  
  
• Creating a to-do list for each day. Not with anything big, but just small things I'd like to get done each day. It really helped me feel productive, which is very important to me to feel a bit more sane each day
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Affirmations help SO much! I made sure to write a bunch down before Pierce was born and they have been so nice to have. Just anything that helps keep your mind focused right on what's important, instead of stressing about what you don't get to do anymore or anything like that. Some of my favorite ones have been:
  
  
• If it takes 120 days to get used to this baby, that's only 30% of the year. Still have 244 more day/70% left to do fun stuff
  
• 6 months is barely 1% of your whole life or 5% of the next 10 years (if I live to be 80...that's my plan haha)
  
• Take this one moment at a time
  
• Today is one day. I have the rest of my life (and theirs) to be the mom I want to be.
• Release your expectation of perfection (this one REALLY helped me)
  
• Just take 5-10 deep, slow breaths (I do this anytime I'm stressed and it really helps)
  
• This is temporary
• Focus on what NEEDS to be done, rather than what you WANT to be done
• If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are stressed/anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present
• A diaper must be uncomfortable after 9 months suspended naked in fluid; cribs must be cold after 3 trimesters of warmth; hunger must be unpleasant when your belly was always full in the womb. You are not spoiling the baby, you are being their warmth, comfort, and security.
  
  
• Taking turns with the night shifts is so helpful to get more sleep. I fought this with each baby prior to Pierce and I wish I hadn't. I wish I had realized that as long as you do the same general routine, it really doesn't matter where they fall asleep for half the night. You can keep the routine and change the location once you are ready for it. It saved my sanity at the beginning of the postpartum period this time around.
  
  
• Pick whichever shows/movies will help keep you calm. Before I'd pick one show and keep to it, never deviate. This time if I didn't feel like watching it for the night feedings or when he wanted to be snuggled and I felt like I couldn't sleep, I'd just pick a different one that sounded good. Again, not sure why I didn't do this before, but it's been nice this time around.
  
  
• Taking breaks away from the other kids/chaos and going upstairs to get back into a routine is more than okay! I had a hard time with this during my previous times, but this time I've embraced being alone with him when I can.
  
  
• Learning patience and being more in the moment and realizing you'll get into a routine eventually is the best way to go about it. I can't tell you how much the first month I'd see someone doing something I usually would wish I could do, but realizing I'd rather be snuggling with my baby. I just made a list of things I look forward to doing again one day and that helped me realize it's there and I'll get to it when we both feel ready.
  
  
• Speaking of that, I've been really embracing each "back to normal" moment that happens. Like going out to get candy for popcorn and candy night. Being able to have a family dinner together, having mac n cheese Wednesdays. Things we did before having a baby. Might not be a big deal, but those little things make me so happy. I've made a list of ones to look forward to that mean we're getting even more back into our normal routine haha.

Our Built In Dreams Coming True

One of the first things I said I wanted to do with this house was put in built-in shelves in one of our front rooms. I had dreams of having books on one side and games on the other and then adding in a bench under the window. I figured we'd make this a DIY project, but it wouldn't be for a long time!

Well when we got our tax refund this year we were talking about what we wanted to do with it. Normally, we'd split it 60/40 (Larry makes more than me and he's the reason we get a good refund so he gets a bigger chunk of it). However, we were talking and decided it might be better if we just each took a bit of it and then put the rest to something that goes for the whole household (like vacations or a house project). We talked about finishing the basement, but we didn't feel we had enough to cover that this year. We knew we weren't going to be taking any vacations this year (not with a newborn/4 very young kids) so we started talking about the built in project I had in mind. We then started talking about what we'd like to do with our mud room (I had been talking for a while about putting a cabinet in there to hold our cleaning supplies and then adding in a bench with shoe storage and a shelf). Then I thought about how nice it would be to fix up our pantry. Our shelves are falling apart in there and I remember in an open house we saw a pantry that had cabinets along the bottom and shelves on the top half and how nice that would be to have. 

So after deciding what we'd like to do I did some measuring and drawing up plans and started contacting some people. Unfortunately, finding people who would call me back was really hard (I still don't understand this). Some said the project was too big for them, some didn't call me back at all, and then we had one who said they could give us a quote, but it was a small project for them so they didn't seem enthusiastic about it. I was kind of shocked. We started this process well before Pierce was born so that we could get it done quickly, but apparently I was dreaming! Haha.

Luckily, the one who said it was a small project came to give us a quote and came in about what I budgeted/figured it would cost. He also said it would only take them a few days to a week to complete (which shocked me, I thought it would take weeks to finish). I tried to get a couple more people to give quotes, but only one other responded and he said it would take him 12 weeks to finish and was about 4K more than the other guy so I figured we'd just move ahead with the first one.

We paid our deposit, signed the contract and then had to wait. He wanted to wait till the cabinet doors could be closer to completed before putting the shelves in. We made a plan that I'd stay upstairs with Pierce since I didn't need my boob out with strangers and he has still been good at napping on me so I went up with snacks, my water, my tablet and planner while they worked on the shelves. The first day the demo was RIGHT under our room and he just slept through the most insane noise I've ever heard. We really lucked out with how well he sleeps through noise, I just can't rave about it enough haha. Honestly, I loved having an excuse to be upstairs and cuddle during the work. I got lots of good snacks and got to watch some good shows and movies...can't complain about that haha.

They just finished the work this week and I have to say, the pantry is a bit different than I expected (I didn't plan on having a counter area, but now that I'm used to it I actually really like it). The mud room is probably my least favorite of the three, but only because the cabinet has a wall in the middle that makes it so our cleaning stuff doesn't fit as well as I had hoped, but I'm sure I can finagle it a bit to figure it out. Once we hung up our hooks for our jackets/bags and put shoes in the slots it looked much better. Our shelves, cabinets, and bench in the front room is my absolute favorite of all of them! Larry put the books and games in while I held Pierce and I just absolutely love seeing it just how I imagined. I will say we went from  having games on one side and books on the other to adding lower cabinets for games and having books on the upper shelves. We made the bench a hollow cabinet bench for more storage so we have TONS of it and I'm so happy!

Overall I'm so excited we were able to get these project done this year, it was so unexpected, but I'm so happy with them and how our house looks. Hopefully, the basement will be coming in the next few years, but I'm also playing around with doing some exterior projects...possibly? Haha.

Mother's Day

So for Mother's Day the only thing I asked for was to go out for lunch (Kneader's) and for my new birthstone necklace for Pierce. The only bad part is Pierce's birthstone is diamond and I have enough diamond necklaces that I really didn't need another one. So finding one I liked was a bit difficult. Eventually Larry found a few on Amazon that felt a bit different than what I already had and felt more like a mother's necklace. So I added a handful to his cart and told him he could surprise me with one (it's just easier that way). 

A good representation of my Mother's Day
AND a shot of my new necklace

I also planned to do new family pictures since I didn't really want to do "newborn" photos, but needed to get updated pics with our newest addition. So I booked those for Saturday morning so that we could get them done, head to lunch, go back home and then I'd go on my own to review and pay for the pictures later. I didn't realize when I booked them it was Mother's Day weekend, but I didn't mind (the days just run together at this point).

We got up and ready in a pretty decent time on Saturday morning, good thing we had practice with my brother's wedding so I knew how to get all our hair done and get us dressed in a good time frame. Then on the way to pictures Larry mentioned we should go to lunch after to reward the kids for having to do pictures. I thought it was a good idea and then remembered Kneader's isn't open on Sunday so I'd have to get my Mother's Day lunch on Saturday instead. No big deal at the time.

Pictures were a tiny bit rough. Lucy decided she was VERY shy while we were there (she hasn't been THIS shy in so long so I didn't expect so much fighting). Then Pierce would only handle being down for so long so getting his pictures had to be done VERY quickly. He's been pretty chill up to this point, but I wonder if it's because I was getting a little stressed out and he could sense it...I just hoped we got at least one good shot.

This is the only family shot I like haha

We then headed to lunch and that took SO long that by the time we ate it we had to head back to get our pictures. I knew Pierce would be getting hungry again soon so I felt like we had to rush through the picture review. I tried to hurry in, but they took a minute to pull me back. Unfortunately, the shots were SO bad. It wasn't that they were bad pictures, but I don't feel the poses were good, I had a lot more weight on me than I felt (even wearing spanx and what was supposed to be a loose shirt), my hair looked bad, and I had a double chin in most of the shots. Now this wasn't just a normal nitpicking of pictures, they really did look awful. I just won't look at them again until I can handle it haha. It's just a bummer, but there were good shots of the kids so I guess that's all that matters. I came out of the picture viewing to Pierce really having a meltdown so I fed him real quick and then we headed home.

A midday rest with my little man

Sunday I got up and got to make breakfast (I love doing that on Sundays). Larry got me my necklace (it was one of my favorites that we picked out, not going to lie haha), and I had the girls make cards for my mom and grandma. We went over to their house for dinner tonight and I got to give them their homemade cards and gifts (I just got mom flowers and a gift card for a massage since they don't really need material things). 

The rest of the day was just a regular Sunday. Might sound boring to most, but it's what I really need when going through the newborn days. Plus I wanted to keep my expectations low since I knew Father's Day would probably not be very exciting either so...that's just how it is. This is life with a newborn. You very tired and you just want to relax. That's all you can ask for.

Cara is FIVE!

You guys, my first baby is a five years old now! That's a whole hand! I can't believe it. When I was pregnant with her I kept wondering what she'd be like at 5 years old. That was my "fun" age for kids and so I was so happy thinking about what she'd know, what she'd like to play, what her favorite colors and animals would be. Just everything. I knew I wanted to make sure she had a great birthday, no matter what!

We looked at a bunch of place options for us and, after showing them to her, we settled on Chuck E Cheese. We also had her pick out a cake from the grocery store, and of course she picked out a Frozen one haha. The party was SUCH a hit. Everyone seemed to have so much fun and they do such a great birthday party with lots of goodies and entertainment. We weren't the only ones, but I didn't feel like we were sharing or splitting our celebration. 

Cara loved her cake and blowing out the candles and she got so many great presents!

We got lot of yummy food, some game play cards for everyone (unlimited play for 2 whole hours), they did a dance and took picture with the mouse mascot guy, and Cara and I got to do the ticket blaster together. We got SO many tickets haha. We'd totally do another party there again. I'm actually excited because we didn't use all of the play cards so we have an excuse to go play again haha. 

Cara is such a great and sweet big sister. She's loved every single baby we've brought home and just loves to cuddle and touch them (she's always putting her face in Pierce's face haha). She absolutely loved Lucy and Pierce, but plays a lot more with Gwen. She loves drawing and writing and watching weird YouTube videos of people playing with weird toys, makeup tutorials, or baking videos (this I'm probably going to have to stop soon as I'm not fully comfortable with that). She always wants to watch Turning Red on Disney, her favorite color is rainbow haha. She loves playing house and practicing holding her breath in fake water (around the house she'll run around and say "it's water, hold your breath"). She loves going to school and loves showing off the work she does each day (literally, I'll pick her up and she'll show me what she worked on and then say "I have to go home and show dad" haha).

She is pretty shy, but once she gets comfortable she'll play with anyone and play anything. I hope she keeps that attitude of being so open to all the ideas. However, she likes to be an alpha at home and take control of the play with her sisters haha. I absolutely love how goofy she is and get excited to watch her grow each day and year!

Pierce is ONE Month

 I am ONE month old!

I like: snuggling with mom, looking around at everything, nursing, being warm, sleeping, and pooping (this boy is a BIG dirty diaper producer!!)

I dislike: bath time, being hungry, and being put down when I'm not ready (seriously, he's pretty chill most of the time)

I am now: Pierce is still in newborn diapers and clothes, but I think we'll be upping both of those this next month. At his 2 week appointment he surpassed his birth weight and was 7 lbs 10.5 oz (up 5.5 oz from birth) and was 21 inches long (up 2 inches from birth), so we're very proud of that.

These pics were taken via Portrait mode
On my phone...I love how they turned out!

A Typical Day looks like: Because he's still so new and is breastfed, we don't have an exact schedule, but he sleeps A LOT and eats about every 2 hours during the day. Around 7:45 we'll get him ready for bed (change diaper, lotion his skin, put on pajamas) and then I'll nurse him and get him sleepy and put him down in the pack n play in the office. Larry watches him and will feed him a bottle of pumped milk if he needs it, most of the time he does, but there's been a few nights that he sleeps without it. Around midnight Larry will bring him up to me (I go to bed at 8 so that I can get a few hours guaranteed uninterrupted sleep), I'll put on the owlet, change his diaper, put him in his sleep sac, nurse him and put him down. It's a hit or miss on if he'll sleep in the bassinet or if he'd rather just cuddle with me, but we just feed on demand throughout the night and he might go 2-3 or maybe even 4 hours between feedings...depending on the night. It's very sporadic. 

We do baths on Sundays and Thursdays and he's still getting used to those. He didn't hate his first one, but he hasn't liked them since that haha.

This was at his 2 week appt.
Where we learned how well he's growing

This Month: I was so happy to get to nurse another baby, but was nervous he'd end up nurse/napping like Lucy so I made the decision to cap nursing sessions to 20 minutes and it's been a GREAT helper! I think getting burps out helps so he doesn't spit up like her either. We do all contact napping/snuggles and it's been a dream! I LOVE little baby snuggles and tell Larry I plan to hold him for all naps for my whole leave. Bedtime is a bit of a guessing game though, he'll either give Larry a good first half of the night or me a good second half, not normally both.

It seems he's good Wednesday and Thursday nights or Thursday and Friday nights, but not the greatest about going back to bed on the weekends (not sure why that schedule, but it's what I've figured out). We've definitely had our fair share of growth spurts/cluster feeding and those days/nights can be pretty difficult, but I'm determined to make nursing work (for one, this formula shortage is scary and for another it's my last time and I actually kind of love the feeling).

I'm strangely obsessed with his neck...not sure why

She loves him so much!

I will say being so congested sick during pregnancy and not sleeping the greatest has sure helped me with the sleep deprivation of having a newborn. I now know I can go a few nights of horrible sleep and still function pretty well haha.

 

Speaking of sleep, Pierce is AMAZING at sleeping through all the sounds. The girls have literally been running and screaming through the house while I've been on the couch with him and he sleeps through it all like a freaking champ! I hope he stays that way. He makes the cutest little snort sound like a piggy snort in his sleep. He also makes these cute protest noises and then nuzzles into my boob when he thinks I'm going to unlatch him when he's not ready.

One weird thing is I've started to get sore knuckles, almost like when I was pregnant with Cara. I'm not sure why that's started, but it's been a bit annoying.

This one gives me Magic Mike vibes for
Some reason haha

This was after his first bath...I love the way
He looks at me!

I've decided what makes the first month so difficult is the fact that the baby doesn't smile much so you just aren't sure if they like what you are doing. All you get is either blank stares or crying. I can't wait for smiles!!

Goals for next month:

• Get him to take a binky more, he will take it once in a while, but mostly he just spits it out and might fuss a bit. So that's a work in progress
  
  
• Do more tummy time. Since he wasn't awake a bunch this month we didn't do this as much, but I know it's good for him so we need to do it more.
  
  
• Work on getting him down for bed and sleeping in the bassinet better. Maybe even get him started in the bassinet rather than in the office (I'm so hesitant to do this since it might mess with the sleep I'm guaranteed to get, but I know it's needed)
  
  
• Read more to him. I know this is the best way to interact with babies this young. I love reading, I just need to find times it works during his awake time.