A Very Honest, Sad Post

Today is a day I thought would be the hardest to get through. I expected to not want to get out of bed. I told Larry I needed him to take me somewhere fun, where I could only smile, to avoid thinking any sad thoughts. I am not sure if I'll regret this post and take it down later, but for now it'll stay because I can't ignore it.

Today was my baby's due date. A date I thought would take forever to get here. A day I anxiously awaited from the moment I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, it's a day I don't get to celebrate because I lost my baby on Christmas Eve. It was the most heartbreaking thing to go through, I will never forget the pain, the tears, and pretending to be happy while I opened gifts the next day. Thinking about it now still breaks my heart.

I've read a lot lately how miscarriages are very taboo and how they shouldn't be. For me, it's easier to just not talk about it, to not remember the worst day I've ever had. To know it happened on my favorite holiday makes it 10x harder, I feel. You see, on my birthday we had seen our sweet baby. We went to Fetal Fotos so that I could hear the heartbeat. We didn't, but they told us it was because we were measuring earlier than we thought and I was okay with that as long as I got to see it (we didn't get an ultrasound at our first doctor appointment so I was desperate to see real proof). They gave us a disk and pictures and sent us on our way. I remember being so excited, talking to Larry about names and plans on when we could tell people. I had told a couple friends and my parents (of course), but we were trying to keep it to ourselves for a bit longer, until we were out of the scary first trimester. I had no idea I only had week left to enjoy those talks and feelings. I'll spare you the details of the day it happened.

The hardest part, in my opinion, is never feeling normal again. When people around me were pregnant it was the hardest to be 100% happy for them and not think "why can't I experience that?" "Why did I have to lose my baby?" I went each month thinking "I'd be XX months right now and feeling this way" or "I'd have my shower about this time, if I was still pregnant". I drove home from work crying many times. Gosh it is heart shattering just reliving it. When people tell you they are sorry, how do you respond? You can't say "It's okay" because it's not. It's never going to be okay again. I'm never going to feel normal again, because I should feel like a mom, but instead I feel like a failure.

I was afraid as this day approached I'd be thinking I should be holding a baby in my arms, not feeling my semi-flat stomach knowing nothing was there anymore and who knows if it would be ever again. I was afraid I'd cry all day long and not think about anything else. I was afraid to go onto social media and see someone else's baby and picture my own little human and how obsessed I'd be.

But you know what? I'm okay. Not 100% normal (as I'll never be, I know that for sure), but about 98% I think. The thing is, up to this day I knew what I'd be feeling, I knew what would be happening each week/month as it passed along. But after today anything is possible. I have no clue what it would be like with a new baby in the house so it's hard to imagine how I'd feel and what would be happening. It's almost like a fresh start again...and it's the biggest relief I could ask for.

I know what you are thinking...will we be trying for another baby? And that's a hard thing to answer. Anytime I think about trying again I remember the pain and heartache and think it's just not worth the gamble again. But then I read stories about other miscarriages and people getting pregnant afterwards and how they are so happy and I think "I could try again, we can't be scared forever." For right now we are content with our lives as they are. We are in no rush to have another baby. In fact, if we don't have one we know we will be completely happy. If we end up having one I'm sure we'll be happy with that too. For now, I'm just focusing on my relationship and my cats, because they are a constant, happy thing in my life and that's all I can focus on.

Thank you for reading this so far, it's been a hard thing to keep locked up. But it's out now and I can move on with my life again...for the most part. I'll always have that little being that almost was in my heart.