Goals for 2019

So I'd like to start this post by saying I'm officially calling these goals for the year rather than resolutions. I know I've mentioned I don't like the term resolutions before and I've gone back and forth, but I'm officially settling on goals. When I was pregnant with Gwen I wasn't feeling as connected to her in the beginning of the pregnancy (so sad, but true). The thing that changed that was I would talk to her in the car whenever I was alone and one of the things I always did was on my way to work I'd talk to her about the goals of the day and what the plan was and it really helped me feel connected to her, but also helped me when I thought I was having a stressful day. After Gwen was born I would still do goals for the day since having a newborn can be stressful, at least for me, and that really helped me keep my head on straight.

So without further adieu, here's what the goals for 2018 were and how I did on them:

Organize, organize, organize: I at least started my totes that I had planned, but I haven't finished them. The biggest reason being that I need to read through my magazines to get ideas to add to them. But I did get as much done as I could and I found a way to manage my time better to feel more organized in just life. Of course, adding a newborn made that feel a little more upside down, but things are a bit better and I'm on a better track.

Complimenting a stranger: I could've done better with this, but I did give a few compliments out there. This one was important because it makes you feel better when you make someone's day. Unfortunately I just felt people focused on my pregnancy so I didn't get a lot of opportunities to compliment them back without it sounding fake.

Do one craft/organization/project thing each month: Yeah...definitely didn't do this. I attempted it, but it really took a backseat to other things. Whoops!

Stay caught up on the blog: Hahaha yeah, didn't do well with this. Yes, if you read back it looks like I kept up with it, but I didn't. That was a big whoops.

Backing up photos: I backed my photos up onto my computer frequently, but I haven't put them on the hard drive as often. I did right before Gwen was born so that I knew it was done, but not since then.

Keep with the frozen meals: Yeah...I also gave up on this. Frozen meals were nice, but I found a way to make cooking work so as long as I meal plan at the beginning of the month and remember to actually cook the meals (I forgot to start crock pot ones quite a few times throughout the year) then we make it work.

See family more often: Yeah, I maybe should've read through these throughout the year. I didn't even realize this was on my list. I saw them more towards the end of the year, but not throughout.

Well it's embarrassing to see I didn't do so well with these this last year. Hopefully I can do better thsi year :\

And my goals for 2019:

• Potty train and move Cara into a toddler bed. This we aim to do when she turns 2. She's definitely moving to her new room after her birthday and we'll transition her into a toddler bed. Then we'd really like to start potty training then. I got a potty training book from my Dad and his family so I'm excited to read that and see what good pointers it has.
• Compliment Strangers. I've really enjoyed having this one on the list and it's brought me more meaning than any other goal so I'm going to keep this on there indefinitely.
• Give Larry more "me" time. This guy is going to have two girls on his hands when I go back to work, and as I've seen already they are going to be a handful. I'm hoping to pick one weekend a month to take both out and give him a couple hours just for him to enjoy the silence. I would say he could leave the house while I stay in with them, but he prefers to stay in so I figure I can take them out. Fingers crossed this one doesn't make me go crazy haha. I'd also like to do more 1:1 with each girl, if possible, but we'll see if I can squeeze that in as well.
• Keep to my weekend plans. Speaking of weekends, I have a set idea for what I'd like to do each weekend that are things I'd like the girls to be used to growing up so that it's just a fun thing for us. The last weekend of the month I'd like to be a super clean weekend, the first weekend is a spa weekend (a deserved one since we spent the one prior cleaning) where we do our nails and maybe a mud mask (really whatever we'd like that feels a bit like pampering ourselves), one weekend I'd like to bake something (though I may put this one on hold until I go back to work so it's not just me eating the baked goods), and then I'd like another weekend to see family. For months that have 5 weekend I'd like to incorporate some sort of service project. I think I should be able to squeeze in time for Larry during the baking weekend or visiting family weekend so it shouldn't be too overwhelming.
• Workout regularly (including Diastasis Recti workouts). This one isn't really a hard one, I love working out! I love that it is me time, I love that it gives me an excuse to watch shows/movies I've recorded on the DVR, I love the feeling of the endorphins! So working out isn't the issue, it's making sure I keep to it regularly. Once I go back to work I like to do this after the girls go down (especially since we can't guarantee that Gwen will be down by 8 just yet) so right now I do it once Larry is off work and it's still just so nice to be able to get away for a bit.
• Break my sugar habit. This one I did in 2018 technically, but I don't feel it's complete yet. I'm actually proud of myself because I found a way to not only break my habit, but I felt I got to the root of my problem. I was able to mostly avoid temptations that came my way even. I remember when it started to get cold and I saw a car off to the side of the road and it had it's heat on (you could see the smoke coming from the muffler) and feeling like that used to be a trigger to want hot chocolate and I realized I didn't have that trigger anymore. I did end up falling off the wagon a tiny bit, but I've found such a good reward system. We do our Saturday Movie Date Night and I tell myself if I haven't had any sugars throughout the week I get a treat for movie night. If I've had TOO much sugars throughout the week, not only do I lose my movie treat, but also my soda and possibly the popcorn too. Then on months we accomplish something extra (good doctor visits, pushing a baby out, birthday months, etc.) we get to have a dessert night on the last Tuesday night of the month. It's been SO helpful in helping me and I plan to continue this into 2019.
• Reach my savings goals. This one I've found actually shouldn't be too hard, as long as I keep my spending under control. I'd like to eventually open an IRA for myself (Larry has one and it's been SO nice come tax time and it helps us get our retirement savings bulked up). In order to do this I'd like to have a set amount set up in my short term savings and a set amount in my baby savings. I've already reached my baby savings goal (thank you Colonial Life for that!) and I'm more than 3/4 of the way to my short term goals. The beast part is once we file taxes that will cover our vacations for the year, so literally everything else I make goes to my savings this year. Once I reach my short term savings goals I plan to put that in a dedicated Savings and then anything over my set amount will go into a second short term savings and eventually my original one will be turned into an IRA. I'm oddly (and totally nerd-like) excited for this one, it makes it so I can't just spend like crazy like I have been, but if it means we can retire and live comfortably I'll take it!
• Update blog regularly. This one I had issues with the past couple years. I'd also like to re-format my entries to make them more like a fun lifestyle blog. I feel my posts get really wordy and might border on boring if anyone else were to read them. I like to keep the details, but I think I can make the posts look better while still keeping the details. Also, when I re-read them later it seems I make a ton of typos. I need to make sure to fix those before posting them. Hopefully I can still keep up with this.

2018 In Review

Thinking back on 2018 is crazy weird. We started it with an eight month old baby and ended it with a brand new baby girl! We took a few trips, but it was mostly a "see family and friends" year, not much just for us, but that's okay, because that's what we wanted to do before adding to our broad. Let's just say 2019 has some fun just us (well us being the 4 of us) trips planned.

Anyways, let's look back at this whirlwind year!

January

January this year we celebrated Cara's first snow day. Even though she wasn't a big fan of it, it was still fun to take her out and dress her up. It was a slower month, but still fun!

February 

February we celebrated an awesome Valentine's Day...maybe more awesome for me because I got the personal massage and Larry took care of Cara. Even though our ice cream didn't turnout so well, but it was a good day still.

We also checked a big thing off our list and we both got our Concealed Carriers Permits. This one was a huge one on our list so I'm so happy we got this one done!

March

March was a BIG month for us. Cara learned to walk all on her own and became a big mover. It was so exciting to see her accomplish this and I can't tell you how nice it's been that she walks now.

We also found out we were expecting our little Gwen this month. That's obviously one of the biggest things. It was a huge change, but so so exciting!!

April

April we started out in Tennessee. We celebrated Cara's first Easter with both of my sides (morning with Mom and Will, afternoon with the Wilson side). Even though that's not a huge holiday, it was nice to celebrate it with family to get ONE of her holidays in with family.

 

We also held Cara's first birthday party this month. It was a little early, but it worked out well with my mom's visit and my work schedule. It was such an ideal day!

May

Obviously the biggest thing was Cara turning one this month. Finally reaching that milestone was so exciting and just the best part of the year. I can't believe we have a one year old at this point and she's been such a big joy in our lives!

We also discovered a great way to keep date nights without having to find a babysitter and keep us feeling like a couple still: Saturday Movie Date Night. (I miss these and can't wait to get back to them). We had so much fun with these throughout the year. We got to watch the entire Marvel comic series this year and that was so nice.

June

In June we (kind of) started it out by taking Cara to her first baseball game. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but it was still fun to take her and test that out (thankfully they are pretty cheap tickets).

I also created an awesome mom hack with toys for kids, we celebrated 5 years married, I started to think of my post-partum life after Gwen would be born, and I found my love of reading again.

It was also the beginning of many summer adventures with Cara. So happy when the season changes and we can be out of the house more!

July

We started July by celebrating Larry's 30th birthday. I was happy he finally got a good day for his birthday since his 29th wasn't the best. We also celebrated the fourth of July in some fun ways (which got me started on thinking of holiday traditions I wanted to start up).

One of the more exciting parts was finding out we were having a little girl and being able to finally tell people about the pregnancy! This was a big part of the whole year honestly, I could finally start planning for this new baby coming into our world.

August

In August we had one of the most fun weeks when we did a staycation. I have loved every trip and vacation we've taken, but ever since having Cara this one was the first time I felt like we had a real vacation (Hawaii might be tied for number one here).

We also signed Cara up for tumbling class to help get her socialized. Even though the class didn't last long for us, we still very much enjoyed going and getting her used to others. It was a great class and I hope we can find something new for her to do next year.

September

September was such a fun month for us. We went to Swiss Days over Labor Day (though we learned that is NOT a family event...I'll be going solo in future years). We also took a trip to Georgia to visit Stacey (our last trip of the year and very exhausting for a 7 month old pregnant lady), it was such a fun and memorable trip (and not just because of the hurricane scare haha).

October

In October we finally made the decision to get some new memberships (since the tumbling class was cancelled on us). Even though we've only gone a couple times, I think these will be so nice to have this next year. We didn't do much for Halloween, but I did drag my family to a pumpkin patch. We also celebrated our 14th anniversary over a nice, relaxing weekend.

November

November was obviously our most eventful month. We celebrated our last family date night out for a while (with flu season coming and having a newborn we knew going out and for dinner wasn't going to be a thing in our near future). We had our little Gwen this month. And we celebrated the most low-key Thanksgiving ever haha.

 

 

December

December, we celebrated the first month of having Gwen and I decided to document our breastfeeding journey. We had a very exciting Christmas with both girls. That was about all we did this month. We just focused so much on getting into a good routine with Gwen that it wasn't as eventful as normal.

Overall, 2018 has been very good to us. I am very much looking forward to what this next year will bring us with Gwen's first year, celebrating Cara's second year, and everything that brings for us.  Happy New Year!!!

Christmas 2018

So Christmas with a newborn was definitely a new experience. I feel bad, but I just wasn't in the decorating mood at all this year (maybe it's because I watched so many Hallmark movies that I wanted to decorate like those and I definitely don't have those decorations or the money to get the decorations like in those movies right now haha). I was also hoping to do more family traditional things this year (like go see decorated homes, make gingerbread houses, take the kids to see Santa, matching pajamas and movie night, etc.), but adding a 2nd kid really kicked my trash when it came to having motivation to do anything but keep everyone alive each day (I even forgot about my birthday this year) haha. Plus I really wanted to focus on getting Gwen on a good bed time routine this month so doing anything that kept us out too late wasn't an option for me.

Well even with all that, celebrating the big day was still awesome. We knew we couldn't keep wrapped gifts out with Cara running around so we had them all stashed away in a bedroom (we also cheated and ordered everything on Amazon and had them wrap anything that could come wrapped so we didn't have to worry about that part) so when Christmas Eve came around, once the girls were down for the night, we had fun grabbing everything and putting it all under the tree. Some toys weren't wrapped so we made sure to display those for Cara. It was a really rough day (my fault though, I wanted Gwen to nap so I could do what I wanted and she just didn't want to and Cara was throwing tantrums so I was having a hard day with my patience being tested all day), but seeing all the gifts made me realize that Christmas is a new day and I can't wait to see Cara's face when she sees the gifts - Gwen will only care that she has her binky so I can't be excited for her to see anything haha.



Our incredibly large haul haha

So this morning I made sure to have Larry get Cara so that I could record her reaction and he was telling me that right at the top of the stairs (where you can see a tiny bit into the Christmas Tree Room) she noticed a change and kept pointing to it like "what's that down there? I see something new!" haha. When she got down to the room she was so excited at everything! It was literally the best part of the whole day.



Alexa playing Christmas music for us while we opened gifts



Waiting for Cara to come down

Yes, I allowed ONE person to get
Her a doll. I HATE dolls though!

As we handed her her gifts (which she doesn't fully understand how to open them herself just yet so dad helped her mostly), she became so obsessed with each gift that she wouldn't care about the next one. Luckily this gave us time to open our own while she tried to play with whatever one she just opened so it was like for every gift she opened Larry and I would open a couple of our own haha. Gwen just hung out on the boppy pillow after I fed her her morning bottle. Unfortunately, that picture turned out so blurry :( but she was pretty chill just hanging out.

We got super spoiled this year! I keep joking that the girls don't need anything for like 3 years. They got tons of clothes, toys, learning kits, everything! We even got some awesome family gifts, like the Oculus Virtual Reality "goggles" and a double basketball hoop thing to put in the basement (because Larry talks about playing sports with the kids when they are older, so until then him and I can challenge each other haha). I had previously told Larry I just wanted a couple things from him and the rest of the stuff can be for the girls from my gift wish list for them because I was more excited for them to get gifts and I obviously wanted them to have as much from that list as possible. Well he listened and he got me the best gift ever: a tablet/computer that I wanted SO badly. I wanted this to help me keep my budget with me at all times (at work, home, traveling, etc. etc.) and to have anything else like that on a whim. He also got me a keyboard, cover, and stylus pen with it and I can't wait to put it to use. I already used it to Skype with mom today (you know, to say Merry Christmas and talk about what we got and how we spent the day). and it was so nice to be able to move around. It's AWESOME!!

One of my favorite things is we got a bunch of learning things for Cara (and eventually Gwen). Things to teach her colors, shapes, letters, words, etc. I've realized how much Cara is absorbing lately and I really want to focus this next year on teaching her and getting her ready for preschool in a couple years. I also love that most of it can be re-used with Gwen to teach her too. I'm going to love this next year!!

We ended up having so much fun that before I knew it, we had gotten to dinner time and I was sad to see how quickly the day went by. I mean maybe it was busier because we had Gwen so we had to feed her, change her, I had to pump, we had to eat, we had to clean up the mess, Cara was playing...it was just such a busy, crazy day. As great as the day has been and as happy as I am that we got so much, I'm really feeling we need to teach the girls more about how the day means more than gifts. I'm not a "minimalist", but I can see we don't need so many things if they aren't useful or meaningful to us. I almost can't wait for next year when both girls will be into the day and we can enjoy it even more and I can start the traditions I wanted to do this year (but missed out on) to show how much more the day can be about.

So Merry Christmas to everyone out there and Happy Holidays to those that don't celebrate Christmas specifically. We hope that everyone had such a great day and are as excited as we are to ring in a new year!

Gwen is ONE Month!

I am ONE month old!

I like: sleeping, tummy time (if I'm ever awake), binkies, being fed, and being warm

 

 

I dislike: being awake (even if it's needed so she can go to bed on time), not having a binkie if I'm awake, being cold in any way (lotion at bed time is her absolute least favorite thing in the world), being in the car seat if it's not moving, gas bubbles, and being held (she likes to squirm around quite a bit)

We thought getting her to be a finger sucker
Over a binky would be easier...here was our
Cute attempt at creating a thumb sucker :)

But she's also so cute with a binky!

 

 

I am now: according to our unofficial weight check she's almost 9 lbs (it was 9 lbs with pajamas, a full diaper, and I'm pretty sure the owlet so we'll just say about 8.5) and 20.5 inches long! Just like her sister she's got a big noggin so newborn tops are getting tight, but pants still fit fairly well. She's also still in newborn diapers (and hopefully will continue to be so until we use up all the ones we bought before she was born). We won't have an official weight/height check until 2 months though :(

A Typical Day looks like:

6 AM to 7:30) I usually fuss around until mom gives me my binky (usually I have gas pains)
7:30) Officially wake up with my sister. Mom makes my bottle first since I'm the louder one :P
7:30 to 8) Breakfast time for the girlies of the house (dad is at work so he can get his own breakfast if he wants).
8 to 9) play on activity mat, tummy time, hang with mom, whatever. I rarely make it all the way till 9, but that's what this time is for.
9 to 11) sleep and sleep and sleep. Maybe squirm to look for my binky, but mostly sleep.
11) Change my diaper, eat a 3-3.5 oz bottle, get burped and go back to sleep
11 to 2) sleep and sleep. Squirm and sleep.
2 to 3) change, eat 3-3.5 oz again, get burped, and be awake for more activity mat/tummy/hang with mom time. This is mom's secret favorite time because I'm really alert and fun at this point. Plus she's well rested (Cara takes a nap from 12:30 - 2:30 so mom gets "me" time right before needing to wake me up at this point...she's usually in a good mood).
3 to 5) sleep and sleep again...I like my sleep.
5) change, eat 3-3.5 oz again, get burped, and go back to sleep
5 to 6:30) sleep
6:30) they force me awake to play with them so that I go to bed on time.
6:30 - 7:15) play with dad since he's off work and everyone has had dinner at this point.
7:15) eat a 1.5 oz bottle in preparation for bed.
7:15 to 7:45) play, hang out, whatever.
7:45) get ready for bed. Usually that entails a diaper change, lotion (I hate that part), put in my pajamas and sleep sac, and a nice 3 oz formula bottle to top me off. Most of the time I pass right out after this bottle (IF I don't get the hiccups...that keeps me awake for too long). I get a bath on Sundays and Thursdays at 7:30 and then the same routine after that.

I usually sleep good until 1/1:30 AM then I need to be changed and fed. After that I sleep until about 4:30/5 when I need to be changed and fed once more. Usually I only eat about 2-2.5 oz during those feedings...what can I say? I like to get back to sleep quicker.

 

 

This Month I: Enjoyed being a newborn and running my parents through the ringer. I was so nice in the beginning and slept a lot, but after a week or two it was a complete guessing game. Luckily my parents figured me out a bit towards the end of the month and my awake time is much more peaceful.

I became alert quite a bit towards the end of the month and love to wriggle my arms around when laying on an activity mat. I love having a binky almost the whole day though they won't let me have one at night since I can't keep it in my mouth for longer than 5 minutes).

I celebrated mom's birthday yesterday and gave her a good day and night of sleep (mostly). I also had my first (and quite a few others) bath and have enjoyed being in the warm water...the cold part I absolutely hate! I haven't experienced anything outside except for being in the car seat just yet, but I'm told that's for the best as it's too cold and I need some vaccinations first. I look forward to my first Christmas and seeing Nana next month :)

First black eye...she gave to herself one night.
So sad!

 

Parent's Notes: Well, just like with Cara the first month was a challenging one for us (or at least for me). I forgot that you really have to figure out a newborn and their likes/dislikes/preferred "schedule" and it's not always easy. The most challenging part of the first month was easily feeding Gwen. We started it off breastfeeding, which was nice because I wasn't able to do that with Cara. However, by the end of the month we are doing basically what we did before, Gwen gets mostly breast milk bottles, but then we do formula ones for putting her down and then throughout the night.

I (Jodi) had a REALLY hard time with accepting that we needed to bottle feed Gwen. I made it almost 3 weeks of exclusively breastfeeding, but by the end of the 2nd week I realized she just wasn't getting enough from me and it was effecting my supply. If I wanted her to at least have breast milk I needed to exclusively pump and give her bottles. I cried many, many times over this. You can read more on this post about our breastfeeding journey. In the end, I'm happier with what we do now. Both of us can feed her and get her ready for bed, and I know what she's getting and that she's actually eating.

I forget how "boring" the newborn days are when they sleep a lot. I still have those "I should be doing something with her" feelings even though there's not much she can really do. I do try and do tummy time, walk her around, and read to her when possible, but with Cara around it's not always easy to focus solely on Gwen, but I do my best. I honestly love her alert time so that I can talk to her about how excited I am for her to start to roll over, sit on her own, and all those fun things I remember with Cara that made having a baby so much more fun. I feel bad I can't do our house walk through like I did with Cara, but I know Cara would want to go with and we're currently hiding some Christmas presents in rooms that she can't go into.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm SO looking forward to that this year! Even though Gwen has NO idea what it is, I'm still so excited for the new toys and clothes for them. I'm also excited to see Cara's reaction to it. So far Cara seems to love her sister. she loves touching her and pretending to tickle her. She can be a little more rough than she realizes, so we're working on soft hands and being nice.

Overall we're getting into a routine MUCH quicker this time around so I'm excited to report that. We're still working on bedtime going smoother (if she gets the hiccups we know we're in for a long night) and getting her to sleep later in the morning, but gas and possible constipation issues are causing some issues. We've been giving her Gripe Water to help with that as much as possible and even got some of those Windi's to help and so far it's helped a little, but we just need her poor body to mature a bit more to help us help her.

I (Jodi) am also really happy that I've been able to juggle having both girls on my own while Larry works. I feel like I relied on him a lot when Cara was born and felt so overwhelmed, but this time around I've been doing my best to not rely on him. Sure, I'd let Gwen sleep in the office for him to keep an eye on, but if she fussed I did my best to rush to her to solve the issue rather than let him. I also may have asked him to put Cara down for a nap or wake her up a couple times just to help me out, but I'd say 95% of the time I've been able to do it all on my own while also doing dishes, keeping the house mostly tidy (except for Cara's toys), shower, pump, and take care of myself at the same time. This is my biggest accomplishment of the first month.

I will also say one of the biggest helpers this time around has been multi tasking. I get her bottles made and ready while I'm pumping during the day so that once I'm done I can wake her up to feed. I watch shows I wanted to catch up on during night feedings so that I feel I'm crossing off things on that to-do list, and I read books while pumping at night (this is to avoid looking at my phone to wake me up AND to get some books read while I'm just sitting there). I don't feel nearly as exhausted this time around AND I feel like I accomplish more. It's been such a great feeling getting so much accomplished at once.

 

 

Update on Post Partum goals:

• Ab Muscles: I've just recently (at the 4 week mark) started my Diastasis Recti "workouts". I aim to do them 3-4 times a day to make up for the fact that I had to wait so long to start them (I was hoping to do them from day one, but being cut in half really changes your plans). I'm hoping to keep this schedule up until I go back to work and then try and do them once or twice a day at that point.
• Working Out: I am a little nervous to start that just yet. I know I had by the 4 week mark with Cara (or close to that point), but I just barely got all the sticky glue that was holding my incision closed off and that hurt quite a bit (just because it was ripping skin that wasn't part of my incision plus some hairs...TMI). I'm going to wait until the 6 week mark and just focus on my DR workouts for now. I have quite the "shelf" from this pregnancy that I'd love to get rid of or make as small as possible!
• Drink 100 oz of water a day: I'm happy to report I'm definitely accomplishing this goal. I know I have to drink lot of water for pumping to keep my supply up so I have a written out plan that entails when to drink my water and refill it. I'm currently up to drinking 4 of my 32 oz water bottle (which means I'm at 128 oz), but I also drink a bit when I pump during the night so I know I drink more than that. It feels good to get to this one so quickly.
• Home updates: this one has definitely been on the back burner. I've organized some things and tried to clean and do some of my to-do list, but it just hasn't been as high a priority as I was expecting. I did organize our books so that the ones we haven't read yet are in one area and the rest are organized by author and that felt good to have that done. But right now I spend my free time watching holiday movies and that's what's important to me. I'll probably be able to do more of these in January.
• Gwen's schedule/routine: this one we are pretty much done with. Like I mentioned, we do need to get bedtime a little better and after our last feeding of the night she gets a little fussy (I tell myself the first stretch of sleep is my best, the second stretch is decent, and then the last one is the worst stretch because she makes so much noise trying to get her gas bubbles out). Other than that we don't do too bad with her routine.
• New Fitbit: I did get my new fitbit a while back so I've been loving watching my sleep patterns. Luckily it hasn't been as depressing to see how much I'm missing out on as it was with Cara. Granted I was sleeping SO awful towards the end of my pregnancy that it honestly feels like I traded in bathroom breaks and constant tossing and turning with feedings and pumping. I think that has helped.
• Cleaning baby items: Not sure why this was part of the post partum goals as I got what we needed cleaned before she made her arrival. I do still need to clean the bumbo and the booster seat for Cara to use, but that's not until Gwen can sit up on her own so that's no big rush. we do also need to get the lounger and higher "crib" part of the pack n play out of storage so that she can use those for nap times, but, again, no rush.
• Post Partum supplies: I did get my new pump, depends, dermoplast, etc. ordered, but I only needed the pump and depends. Everything else would've only been helpful if I hadn't had a C-section. But luckily the useful stuff has been VERY useful and I'm glad I had this on my radar so early.

Goals for next month:

• Work on more tummy time during her alert time. She has a very strong neck already and she actually did roll over on her own a couple times already (but probably only because she had gas bubbles that hurt to be on because she hasn't done it since...and I didn't see her do it. This is according to Larry), but I'd love to get ahead of the tummy time benefits (I feel like I rarely did tummy time with Cara until closer to 3 months).
• I definitely want to read to her more and do more sensory stuff with her. I think she likes being able to touch things so far and it's fun to pretend she's touching it on purpose. I just really want to enjoy her alert time and getting to know her personality more.
• Larry wants to do the same neck workouts we did with Cara where he holds her arms and trains her to bring her head up. Once she can master that then we work on her head being forward and her pulling it backwards so we'll be starting those this next month.
• Continue to stay strong on her bedtime and sleeping routine. Really hope by the end of month 2 she'll be sleeping so much better. I hear 8 weeks is typically when they do that...fingers crossed! I know we need to be consistent for a while for her to be used to it and I'm thinking in just a couple more weeks we'll be to where we want to with this.

Our Breastfeeding Journey

So there's a specific reason I'd like to post about something so personal...I'd like to have records for future reference. My experience with breastfeeding has been anything but easy. I know it's common to struggle with this, but man it's crazy how hard and frustrating this can be!

So with Cara we had struggles from day one. She would latch on, but then would just stare at me. She never would suck. Even the nurses in the hospital and the lactation consultant weren't really sure what to tell me. All they'd say is to keep trying and not give up. We finally gave in to giving her one of those little 2 ounce formula infant bottles to at least get food in her (I was such a newbie to the baby thing and I just wanted to make sure she had something in her belly rather than being stubborn with breastfeeding). We had to teach her to suck on a finger with a little tube from a syringe and then work up to the bottle. In hindsight, by the time she got sucking on a finger down I probably should've tried to get her back on the boob, but I was so afraid she'd just starve (prior to going into labor I had read a story about a lady who had breastfed her kid, but turns out he didn't get anything and he ended up dying from dehydration or starving and it was a huge fear of mine with this new baby). Once we got home with her I just did my best to pump breast milk to get her bottles of that rather than feeding her directly from them. It felt like it took SO long to get just my colostrum to come out. It took the standard 4 days until I got my milk, but I was so stressed out at that point thinking this wasn't going to work that I realized if I continued to beat myself up over not being able to breastfeed I'd end up with PPD. The emotional roller coaster and toll it took on me was just so difficult I had to give myself a break and realize that she was going to be a bottle fed baby and so far it had only been formula. By realizing that I was a "fed is best" mom I was able to de-stress and ended up pumping more. I did end up taking some supplements to increase my supply to help get her more breast milk bottles, but it was never really enough. By the time we got a good routine down I was only making enough for one bottle of breast milk and the rest had to be formula. Honestly, I never beat myself up over that fact, she was fed, she was gaining weight, she was developing perfectly normal. We were all happy (except for the sleep deprivation and constant fear of SIDS haha). Plus, I did end up having a couple days where I was able to nurse her, but after those couple of days she got too frustrated and we had to stop. But I'll never forget those days ever.

Now for round two, I felt like I went into it with a better sense of what to expect. Right when Gwen was born I was already producing colostrum, even the nurses were pretty impressed with how quickly it came in. Gwen was really good at latching on and we were able to get some good feeding sessions in. The only hard part is she wouldn't eat every 3 hours. She'd usually get hungry every 5 hours and since I wasn't sure how to wake her up to feed her (or how to do that effectively) I just let it go that long. They kept telling me not to do that, but I wasn't sure what to do about it. It wasn't until we got home and she stopped having poopy diapers that I became concerned. The pediatrician office gave us a follow up call and when I mentioned she hadn't had a poopy diaper in a day or so they wanted her to come in for a checkup. We immediately started forcing her to eat every 3 hours to see if that would help things along. I've said it before, but it's funny how you hear they aren't doing good and your parenting instinct kicks in, that call made me figure out how best to wake her to force her to eat that often.

So the Saturday appointment comes and they checked her out (she was about 5-6 days old at this point). They said everything looks good and that sometimes with breastmilk we make exactly what they need so they end up absorbing everything and it takes a while to get a poop out of them. They said to make an appointment for the following Wednesday, but if she had a poop by then we could cancel the appointment. Luckily within the next 24 hours she ended up having like 3 or 4 so we were back in business. I didn't realize I could be so happy over so many poopy diapers haha. So now we had a plan, feed her every 3 hours and I'd pump afterwards to start stashing a frozen supply for when I went back to work.

Now going over the next 10-ish days we were struggling with figuring out how this nursing thing worked. Gwen would eat and then immediately start rooting around for more food. It was so exhausting feeling like she'd go from one side to the other, back to the first side over and over for an hour a few times a day. I'd hear her swallowing and even gulping, but it seemed like she couldn't ever get enough and I wasn't sure what to do. Am I only supposed to feed her for so long? Should I let her go until she seems done? When will I get to put her down? Is she just using me as a pacifier to sleep? How would I know? What do I do in that case? If I finally felt like she had enough and got her to sleep and then she'd start crying I'd send Larry to check on her, but he'd come back within 5 minutes saying she was acting hungry again. I kept breaking down saying "there's no way she needs more, she just ate for 45 minutes! I'm not even sure I have anymore inside me!" I wish I could see what she was eating, I wish I could measure what she was getting out of me. I wish we could figure out how this routine was going to work because it was taking it's toll on me. Surprisingly night time feeds weren't an issue with making me exhausted! She'd only get up once or twice a night, I'd change her diaper, I'd feed her for a good 20 minutes while I watched a show on Hulu, and she'd be passed out again good for a long while. Nights were honestly my favorite, it was day time that was so stressful.

Fast forward to her 2 week checkup and Gwen still hadn't gained too much weight. She was 8 lbs at birth, she was 7 lbs 9 oz at her 5-6 day checkup and only 7 lbs 11 oz at her 2 week appointment. So she had only gained 2 oz in about 10 days. This wasn't too good. The pediatrician asked how breastfeeding was going and I told him she was eating all the time and it felt like she was getting good amounts of food. He was concerned that he couldn't figure out why she wasn't putting on weight and wanted me to go see a lactation consultant to see if they could figure it out. I, of course, broke down. My baby wasn't thriving as well as she should and the "failure to thrive" words were my biggest fear this time around. I left the office making an appointment for the lactation consultation that Thursday fearing I had failed, yet again, with breastfeeding. We did leave with a plan that I would nurse Gwen, then after that I'd pump and give her that in a bottle so we made sure she was getting everything possible. I told Larry I had a feeling we were going to have to do what we did with Cara, give her formula and breastmilk bottles rather than direct nursing and my heart broke into a million pieces. I wanted breastfeeding to work so badly and I was desperate to not give up this time, but I also wanted (no NEEDED) Gwen to gain weight and do better. I went back and forth SO many times with Larry about whether I should keep trying to breastfeed or just pump and switch Gwen to bottles. The benefit to doing bottles is we could get on a good routine quicker and I'd know exactly what she was eating. The down side is I had no idea how we'd handle night feedings (we'd have to take a long time to thaw out frozen milk for her rather than just "hooking her up to the tap" at any whim, which means she'd have to sit there and cry it out for a while until the bottle was ready). I just couldn't get my mind to settle on what I wanted to do. So I ended up telling Larry I'd wait till after the consultation to make my decision.

Now I went into this appointment expecting her to say "well everything looks okay, just keep at it" and I'd feel defeated and come back saying we're switching to bottles immediately...I just can't take it anymore. However, the appointment went SO well! The lady was so nice, easy to talk to, and made me feel so secure with her helping me. She gave me so many good tips (how to get Gwen to latch on better, how I should feed only 10 minutes per side rather than 20 on one side and pumping on the other - that way she got way more food in her, how to up my supply with pumping and supplements) and she even let me know that she feels very good about our progress and thinks we shouldn't have to include formula, we could do this just fine! I left feeling SO much better, a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders. I went home practically dancing around telling Larry "we're going to do this! I'm going to be able to stick with this! I'm SO happy that we have a plan!"

Unfortunately, within a couple days Gwen just wasn't having any of it. She suddenly stopped eating as much from me. Before I would hear big gulps for 10 minutes and then just light sucking and shallow swallowing for another 5 minutes. Now that I was giving her both boobs, she would gulp for a few minutes and then switch to that shallow swallowing for the rest of the 10 minutes. Often she'd become unlatched and I didn't realize. I could tell my supply was starting to take a dive and I was freaking out! I mean Cara was on mostly formula, but still got at least one bottle a day of breast milk. If I continued this way I'd be dried up within a week and Gwen wouldn't even get a breast milk bottle. I found that I was pumping 1.5 ounces and did the math that I think she was only getting about .5 from me directly. One night she went from only being up once or twice to being up every few hours SCREAMING. I realized that night that this just wasn't going to work. It was a Saturday morning and I told Larry that I wanted to pump prior to her feeding and just give her a bottle of what I pump and see how that goes. Just to try it for one day and see if I feel better or worse. It turns out I was pumping 2 - 2.5 ounces when I pumped prior to a feeding and she'd gobble those bottles down! She seemed to love having the bottle and we found she almost needed more than I could pump. What started as a "try it for one day" turned into our new plan. She'd still get breast milk, only it would be from a bottle. I wanted to wait as long as I possibly can to introduce formula.

So I knew I had to wait a week to do a follow-up weight check to see if this was going to be a good plan. If she still hadn't gained any weight (or not much at least) we'd have to switch to formula (though I'd still give her at least one breastmilk bottle since I know it's really beneficial for her to have that over ONLY formula). I will say waiting for the weight check was definitely another weight on me, I started wondering if only breast milk was enough. She was going from wanting 2.5 ounces to 3 ounces quickly, but I was still only pumping 2-2.5 each session so I couldn't keep up with her demand (even when I tried the pumping tricks to up my supply that the LC gave me). I eventually told Larry that I realized even if we did just breastmilk bottles, I only plan to pump for 6 months and since I'm not pumping enough to create a good enough freezer stash past that point I'm going to have to introduce formula eventually. I still really wanted to wait till after the weight check though to make sure my milk would have been enough had I made enough and she was able to eat better. The bonus is at least with bottles Larry could help feed her when I needed him to (it was kind of breaking my heart that he didn't get a lot of time with Gwen since she always wanted to be with me to eat) and I was feeling like she was gaining weight better once we had a good system in place and bonus is we started to have a better routine going. Our first night using bottles she slept until almost 5 without waking so we were getting some better sleep. And speaking of night feedings, I found if I put what I thought we might need from our freezer stash in the fridge by noon it was mostly thawed out by the time she needed to eat and so all we had to do was put it in a bottle, warm it up in our warmer, and go feed her....hardly any extra time at all. Although I did have to add a couple pump sessions for after her feedings, but they weren't too bad.

So anyways, we (just Gwen and me) go into the weight check and...(drumroll)...she's up to 8 lbs 3.5 ounces!!! We did it! We got her above her birth weight (the goal was 8 lbs 1 oz) and officially in the "thriving" category! I couldn't have been happier. I was not only happy that she was doing well, but now I was okay introducing the formula to her for her "before bed" nightly bottle. Eventually we'll possibly add another one to the day, but I'll cross that bridge when we need it. Until then, she'll only have one formula bottle and the rest will be breast milk and I'm so very happy with this plan.

In the end, I realized that I was beating myself up tremendously over this decision when I really shouldn't have been. Yes, I really wanted to breastfeed (directly) and I wanted to say I gave 110% to this and was proud of myself for it. But, again, I was teetering on PPD territory with how hard of a time I was having (the night before her 2 week appointment I questioned where my bond with Gwen went. I didn't feel like I liked her as much, even though I did still love her, and I wondered if she even really liked me the way a baby should like their own mother. It was a really low point and I cried more than I had in a long time to Larry about how I was feeling. It was quite scary) and hearing that your baby just isn't gaining weight like she should is enough for me to go back into my "fed is best" policy. I realized I was having a hard time because society makes you think that if you can't breastfeed you are failing as a mom and that's just not true. Besides, getting only breastmilk bottles really is still breastfeeding, just not directly. We only decided to start adding formula now so that it wasn't hard on her belly in 6 months, she should be used to it by then.

As for our breastfeeding future? Well, I'd like to attempt it with our next kid(s), but if it ever gets to be too much on me, mentally, then I at least now know that going to bottles really isn't the end of the world and I can accept that I did everything I could. I know being a sane mom is much healthier for everyone involved than a breastfeeding mom who is going out of her mind and can't stop crying.